ultaviolet730: (Tease us made by poetfades2black)
[personal profile] ultaviolet730
I haven't updated in a while, but I posted this on TWoP and thought some of my flist might enjoy it:


Spoof of an upcoming SVU episode in which the SVU Executive Producer says Benson and Stabler "will have a story where they take stock of their seven years together."

They are also supposed to have an episode where it's just B/S in a car, on a stakeout. As soon as I heard about that, I got cringent images of a clipshow, SVU-style. You know, like they did on Friends occasionally, to give the writers and cast a break from their onerous schedules. Can't you just picture it?

SVU Episode 7:17 Stalemate

Scene: A cold, dark Manhattan alleyway. Late model sedan, strewn with coffee cups and takeout bags.

Stabler: Olivia, can you shut your window or move that rainbow flag, please. Aside from the fact that it's drawing attention to us, and we're trying to be inconspicuous, it's blocking my cross and mini-Virgin-Mary statue.

Benson: Even though I'm straight (ignores Elliot's snicker and checks hair and makeup in sideview mirror), I have sympathy for the downtrodden. So I can't just move the flag. It's part of me. That's what makes me so much better than you at... well, just about everything. I'm Everywoman.

Stabler: Well, I'm CATHOLIC! And being Catholic means believing in certain things. Even if they go against everything you've seen, learned and expressed for most of your professional life.

Benson: Yeah, remember back when you used to be not so Catholic. Those were the days. (They both smile and we flash to clips of Elliot from Abomination and Bad Blood, in which he voices concern for and outrage on behalf of gays and clip from Monogamy where he does NOT freak out about abortion. Cut back to them looking bewildered.)

Benson: What the hell happened to you?

Stabler: Pot weasels.

Benson: What? Did you just say pot? Elliot, do you have a drug problem?! Because I'm a certified drug abuse counselor. I talk to people who are confused and helpless and need help and lack of confusion. It's what I do.

Stabler (defensively, fingering joint confiscated from Fakeleen): No. I don't need counseling. And if I did, why would I go to you? When was the last time you spoke to me without seeming annoyed? I manage not to sneer at you, despite having to look at your hair everyday.

Benson: My hair? There's nothing wrong with my hair. (Checks mirror again.) Believe me, I know hair. I've been with a lot of women... at salons! And plus, I'm straight, so I just know. Besides, you're hardly in a position to be making such insults. At least I have all of my hair.

Stabler: Yours and Miss New Jersey's. (Benson harrumphs and checks mirror again.)

Stabler: Let's talk about how much you've changed. You were so young and naive when we first met (cut to baby Olivia clips from S1). And then you grew into a tough, no-nonsense cop. (Montage of S2-4 Butch Benson.) We interrogated and fought and perp-slammed as equals. (Cut to glory year clips from S2-S4). Well, okay, maybe I did most of the perpslamming. But now, you're like a big old girl. You tear up at the drop of a hat, you use more hair product than Fin and you keep talking about kids. I don't know who you are anymore!

Benson: You're just mad because you can't lord your family over me now. You're just another single father, no family, no kids. But I guess I wouldn't understand that! (Cut to montage of Stabler "If you had kids..." comments.)

Stabler: Understand it? You practically took it worse than I did.

Benson: Can you blame me? You ruined the best thing that ever happened to me, I mean, you and left me without a backup family to use when convenient and feel superior to the rest of the time. You ignored my wise and sensitive words and managed to lose your family. Did you even think about how that would affect me? No. You never even told me. And then, months later, you actually consulted another woman professionally. And not just any woman - a woman who was my first lover, er, friend. (Cut to clips of Rebecca Hendrix).

Benson: You didn't even come to me, even though I told you many times you could talk to me and that I would listen and be there for you. (Cut to Monogamy clip of Olivia telling Elliot to talk and then cutting him off). It's not my fault you can't recognize me for the perfect cop and friend and human being everyone else sees. (Cut to clips of S6-7 Benson's constant looks of irritation and continual loop of "You have great kids" in rote response to unStabler.)

Benson: And you're always so mean to me even though I do nothing but support you. (Cut to clips of Stabler supporting Olivia from Abuse and Inheritance and Wrath, contrast with Benson "supporting" him in Hooked (rebound comment), Grief, Haunted.) You have no sensitivity or subtlety. I don't know how you'd manage without me.

(Cut to clips of Stabler with Munch, Fin, Alex or alone - from Pandora, Execution, Rooftop, Resilience, Angels, Parts)

Stabler (snidely): Yeah, I don't know what any of us would do. We'd probably have to just shut down the unit. Thank goodness for your ever-present calm restraint and clear thinking. (Cut to clips from Wrath, Abuse, Escape and Storm)

Stabler: The face of perfection.

(The phrase triggers both Stabler and Benson to think of Alex. Cut to S2-4 Cabot clips. The detectives are lost in dreamy thought then grimace as an ungodly succession of ever-blonder but never-wiser Casey clips flashes at warp speed.)

Benson/Stabler in unison: God, I miss Alex.

(They look at each other and slowly smile. Elliot turns the key in the ignition.)

Stabler: We're not going to get this guy tonight.

Benson: If we leave now...

Stabler: ...we can be there for breakfast.

(Cut to exterior shot of Altoona Days Inn, Room 69 - gardenview, kingsize bed.)

THE END

I've definitely been out here, reading, and I owe some folks posts. I haven't been in the LJ mood lately, but I'm getting back in the swing of things. I missed all you guys!

Date: 2005-12-07 09:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] catheights.livejournal.com
LOL! Well done spoof. I hadn't heard about that episode. It definitely sounds like a clip episode, and those can be mind-numbing.

Date: 2005-12-07 09:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ultraviolet730.livejournal.com
I always hated clip shows on sitcoms. I can't even imagine how bad it would be on an hourlong drama. Except that, of course, old clips are better than almost everything the SVU writers come up with these days.

Date: 2005-12-07 09:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lostingeekdom.livejournal.com
Aaaaaaannnddd UV is back with a bang! Nice way to signal your presence, hon. Heh ..maybe we need to post this one on the hellboards and see te fur fly. Oh, and sorry for cutting out so early last night. Bad aussie wines. I'll be more sober next time.

Date: 2005-12-07 09:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ultraviolet730.livejournal.com
Hee - do you think the tweeners would like it!

And no need to apologize. Watching SVU in real time requires some sort of alcoholic or hallucinogenic assistance.

Date: 2005-12-07 09:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lostingeekdom.livejournal.com
Hee - do you think the tweeners would like it!

Go for it! Anarchy is the aim, baby!

Date: 2005-12-07 09:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sravenk.livejournal.com
Altoona is the ultimate happy ending! Hee, what a great summary of their relationship.

Date: 2005-12-07 09:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ultraviolet730.livejournal.com
And you know there will be a lot of "happy endings" in that hotel room! Glad you enjoyed my take on things.

Date: 2005-12-07 09:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cabenson.livejournal.com
You should do this more often!

Date: 2005-12-07 09:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ultraviolet730.livejournal.com
It probably would be fun to make parodies of upcoming episodes based on the names. One of them is "Taboo." The possibilities are endless - and I don't just mean for the number of plots the PWs will try to cram into the hour.

Date: 2005-12-07 09:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] baby-sis.livejournal.com
So, I heard a rumor that you posted & had to check for myself! Of course, I'm working at the hard-to-hide-when-goofing-off desk, so I'll have to read it later & return with a comment not comprised of a couple run-on sentences :)

But, yay for you updating!

Date: 2005-12-07 10:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ultraviolet730.livejournal.com
You should never listen to rumors. That's what's wrong with this world. All these people on the Internets instead of on their knees.

Wait - that didn't come out right. Or did it?????

I adore run-on sentences, though in your business, you must hate them! Good to see you - been thinking about you : )

Date: 2005-12-07 10:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] baby-sis.livejournal.com
OMG, icon lust!

Thanks. Been thinking about you, too. I meant to respond to all the e-mails & now I feel like even more of a slacker. Also, I've missed our crazydrunkenorgy chats on Tuesday, though on the other hand, last night was a sober one ;)

How many minions have you claimed? I know you have Stark; she's like you Igor. Wasn't she supposed to make us a "snarque" icon?

Glad someone likes -- and can decipher -- my run-on sentences. You understand; sometimes a thought can't be properly conveyed in 15 words or less. As for hating them at work: yes! I'm practicing on Extreme Makeover & silently cursing the "stars" for their run-ons ;)

so that's why you were gone for so long...

Date: 2005-12-07 09:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theholyinnocent.livejournal.com
You did it! You finally went undercover and penetrated the lair of the pot weasels! Sure, it almost cost you your soul and your sanity and it nearly made you gay (cut to...Al Pacino in Cruising), but you've written a clip episode that wouldn't suck! :)

We've missed you (and your CM icons too)! Welcome back!

Re: so that's why you were gone for so long...

Date: 2005-12-07 09:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ultraviolet730.livejournal.com
Damn you and your keen detective skills. You discovered my secret. Of course, I haven't been able to post because the thick cloud of smoke in the writers' room obscures the screen and the keyboard. Explains a lot about this season, huh?

Or do you even watch these days?

Thanks for the welcome - I do miss this place when I'm not around. It's funny how attached you can get. And AbFab icon love right back. Or is that a candid from your trip to Rome?

Re: so that's why you were gone for so long...

Date: 2005-12-08 02:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theholyinnocent.livejournal.com
I think I've seen only 2 eps this year...the one with Elliot's diorama confession ("Yes, it's true! I'm CREATIVE!") and the Dean Cain fiasco which made me vomit in my mouth the whole time. I can bear the overwhelmiing Oliskaness no longer.

I wonder how CM puts up with the shitty writing. I know a good paycheck can go a long way, but...I can't imagine he's really satisfied with the show as it's cranked out these days.

Or is that a candid from your trip to Rome?

Replace the vodka bottle with a wine bottle and yeah, basically. :)

Date: 2005-12-07 09:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theniwokesoftly.livejournal.com
Stabler: Yours and Miss New Jersey's. (Benson harrumphs and checks mirror again.)

Marry me?

Date: 2005-12-07 09:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ultraviolet730.livejournal.com
Yay - that was my favorite line. I'm so glad you liked it.

I'd marry you, but I'm CATHOLIC! And being Catholic means believing in certain things.

Sorry - got caught up in a bit of Bore and Bone's reactionary view of Catholics.

And hey to you. I've been reading and thinking of you, and insensitively not checking in. Glad you're feeling better.

Date: 2005-12-07 09:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theniwokesoftly.livejournal.com
Eh, I'll be ok. The ER visit last night did me good. Also, exams are winding down and I'm seeing about my medication tomorrow. But thanks.

Date: 2005-12-07 09:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rileyc.livejournal.com
*snorfle*

Oh, *sigh* if only we could hope for anything this witty. Not much chance, huh?

Anyway, loved this, and glad to see you around again.

Date: 2005-12-07 10:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ultraviolet730.livejournal.com
Hey Rebecca! Good to be back. Glad you got a kick out of it. With the show finding new and less improved ways to make Stabler look like an ass, we have to find relief where we can.

Why don't they just show his ass instead?!

Date: 2005-12-07 10:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] noir-moll.livejournal.com
Saw this on TWoP first and laughed my ass off in my quiet corner of the office for a good five minutes.

(Cut to exterior shot of Altoona Days Inn, Room 69 - gardenview, kingsize bed.)

Now, do you really think a room with any kind of view is necessary for Our Heroes?

Ahhhh, good times.

Date: 2005-12-07 10:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] luci-2.livejournal.com
You've been missed ( though I see you now and then at the Unofficial Forum and at TWoP ).

This Ep. 17 is great. The Pot Weasels have no memory and think the
audience is like them.

Good ending, by the way. I've received my DVD and am seeing S.2 for the first time. A/E are such a beautiful pair.

Date: 2005-12-07 10:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] idledandy.livejournal.com
Heeeeeeee!

Now that? I would watch.

Date: 2005-12-07 10:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aivilo-18.livejournal.com
Oh, you seriously rock on levels that I didn't know existed.

Glad to see you back, babe!

[makes out]

Date: 2005-12-08 01:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] noblerot.livejournal.com
You are as perfect as your nekkid!Meloni icon. Welcome back.

*dusts*

Date: 2005-12-08 02:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mikoandnoel.livejournal.com
this is why, despite that annoying melonilust :p, i worship you.
that was fucking brilliant.
i would pick out my favorite parts, but i loved them all.
from your mouth to god's ears. or something like that.

Date: 2005-12-08 04:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gick.livejournal.com
i needed that. LOL. :-)

Date: 2005-12-08 06:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] caliban22170.livejournal.com
I think 'BWHAHAHAHAHAHA' is sufficient to cover how I feel.

[searches internet for appropriate dildo gift basket]

Date: 2005-12-08 07:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chris-baby.livejournal.com
"Olivia, can you shut your window or move that rainbow flag, please. Aside from the fact that it's drawing attention to us, and we're trying to be inconspicuous, it's blocking my cross and mini-Virgin-Mary statue."

This, right here, did it for me. I was on the floor laughing after finishing the first sentence.
I'm not on yer flist (new to lj, blah,blah), but I had to make it known you just made my day! :)

Date: 2005-12-09 06:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] slammerkinbabe.livejournal.com
::laughs a whole lot::

Nice to see you back, UV. ::beams::

Date: 2005-12-12 06:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] debaser28.livejournal.com
Somehow I missed this post. Welcome back!

Really funny conversation between Elliot and Oliska, especially the part about Miss New Jersey's hair!:) I'll remember that when I see the famous "Elliot and Olivia sitting in a car" episode.
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